After chatting with a friend I realized that my growth into a woman is like going through another puberty. It really starts off with a lot of sexual curiosity and develops from there. Initially the desire is often driven sexually and I develop these fantasies of being a pathetic sissy slut and wanting to be controlled by a woman who will turn me into a gurl. It is this sissy training that helps to bring me out further than just a fantasy and seeking out ways to be more feminine with that hope of being able to attract a "real man" and experience that sexual experience of sucking cock or even having full intercourse.
For me the reality is that this is just fantasy as it was when I went through male puberty. Morally i cannot bring myself to have multiple lovers and want to maintain that dedication to my wife. That actual male persona is real and i cannot deny it is who i am.
At one point i actually matured beyond that point of sexual exploration and moved forward into discovering my full feminine self. I had a need to post a picture of my face and although I had experimented a little with make-up I was nowhere near ready to post a picture of my face. This drove me to seek out a professional to help with a make-over. I searched around and found I really wanted to look like a woman and not just be a man in make-up. In my search I even spoke with a woman who did forced feminization and although she does make-up with her clients, she suggested I would find it better with a professional artist. That is when I found Jamie Austin. Now not only did I need a face, but I found that I wanted to make sure I had everything to look like a woman. I had the shoes, the skirt, and blouse. It was no longer a desire to be sexual, but to look feminine. Now what would I do once I attained this look? Did I want to go out to clubs and pick up men? No, I wanted to go shopping and try on a variety of clothes. When I was all made up and dressed as a beautiful sexy woman I knew men would look at me and it was nice to know I had achieved a true feminine look, but it was no longer a sexual thing where I wanted them to desire me and have sex with me. It was something where I wanted them to treat me like a lady. I realized my true desires were not to pick up guys, but rather go shopping and maybe have a man take me ballroom dancing. Even then, the dancing was more to feel the pleasure of wearing a dress and having it spin around and flow with beauty.
Sometimes I regress, especially when i am only part time and go through the cycles of purges. Having lost all of my feminine things i need to start again with panties and just that makes me feel like a sissy and brings me back to the immature sexual exploration and fantasies. My profile and interest tend to reflect these various levels. Do I go and try to express the mature cross dresser or the exploring immature dresser?
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